She Bangs
Nice to know that the video for the Black Eyed Peas song “My Humps” is just as empty and aimless as the single itself.
Some reviewers might like to call it “sparse.” I like to call it “not even fucking music.”
And sweet mother of monkey! Fergie, honey, you’ve got to cut those bangs!
Letter from a Concerned Parent
My son was too fucking dumb to get into Handsome Boy Modeling School.
So instead he joined the Thievery Corporation.
It’s true!
She’s A SUPAMODEL!
I came across the recent release of Finally by T&F vs. Moltosugo. And kids, I’m in love. It’s Grade-A house music, enjoyable all the way through. So enjoyable, in fact, that we’ll review this CD track by track!
- Supamodel (featuring CeCe Rogers)—Right away, the album’s off to a great start. CeCe Rogers, the album’s standout vocalist, puts out vocals that are perfect for a catwalk strut. “Supamodel� is breezier than the rest of the album, but it’s a perfect song that stands on its own.
- De Fact (featuring Moony)—Actually, so is “De Fact.� Instead of house music, we get Moony and her Nasty Rock Chick voice (that’s a compliment)! “DJ’s got a track it’s the coolest that’s a fact.� I can’t argue, Moony.
- Once In A Lifetime (featuring Double Dee)—It’s a Stonebridge-esque groove, but ain’t nothing wrong with that. And let’s all be proud of Double Dee, who is apparently a male vocalist with very large breasts.
- My People (featuring CeCe Rogers)—Our man CeCe returns! We start off with a smooth filtered house loop, then CeCe starts in with some smooth spoken vocals. We get odd sentence constructions like, “There is hate, only keeps us bound,� but that doesn’t stop “My People� from being a tasty slice of electro-house.
- Deeper Love—A brisk song. Probably the most synth heavy track. Then CeCe comes in with some brief male vocals!
- I Cry—A looped house beat with yet another vocalist. You like it, you think it sounds like Axwell on a good day. Then three minutes in T&FvM give it a synth kick! Well worth the wait!
- I Can’t Get Over You (featuring CeCe Rogers)—Here we go! Most Valuable Track! This is genuine disco goodness, and it rocks as hard as any Barbara Tucker house revival. If the backing loop is a sample, it’s a killer one.
- Dare To Dream (featuring D’Empress)—Just as strong as D’Empress’s Be My Friend with Scape and Seamus Haji. I want to hear more of her!
- Stay (featuring CeCe Rogers)—Another awesome disco track. One minor complaint: the synthesizer in the chorus sounds too much like “Camels� by Santos
- Are U Doin’ It With Me—Check this out! It’s a wordless, percussion heavy instrumental with spacey synths and the momentary BLAT! of a horn section. But after further grooving, it’s revealed that those blats are the same sample from “I Can’t Get Over You�! The loop drops back in and demands full attention! Now that’s an encore!
- Serenissima (Orkestral Mix)—A similar concept to the previous track, this time with the sample from Stay and no percussion. It’s not so hot, folks; people in the next room will think you’re playing Final Fantasy.
- I Can’t Get Over You (Tommy Vee Patu Mix)—T&FvM give their sample a rest for this remix, letting Tommy Vee lay down a sick electronic beat on a bed of sweeping synth strings. Tastes great!
The moral of this story? Swim to Italy and get this album!
PS: It seems that some of these songs are already released in the US as singles thanks to Airplane Records. Check em out!
The R. Kelly School of Rhyme
Q: What rhymes with “closet”?
A: Closet.
Q: What rhymes with “closet”?
A: Closet.
Q: What rhymes with “Baretta”?
A: Closet.
The End of All Music
It’s mostly fun and games here at URGH!, but a little over a year ago I was convinced that we were facing the end of all music. Why? Ask Google about our friend Usher and Gwen Stefani:
- Google Search: Usher “yeah yeah yeah yeah”
- Google Search: “No Doubt” “Hey baby hey baby hey”
The Madness!
Sunglasses At Night
Doesn’t this look familiar?
I think Rachel Stevens and Dannii Minogue ought to have a conversation with their mutual art director. He’s not earning his salary.
Hush Hush Eye To Eye
I was going to say something insulting about Win Marcinak’s limp-wristed, unimaginative cover of Kajagoogoo’s “Too Shy”, but the reviewers on Perfect Beat are ahead of me by months. Best comment:
Someone told me that “Win” was Polish for “no talent” and I guess it’s true. Is there an abysmal self-stroking supergay video for this song, too?
Burn!
Vula Malignant
Everyone loves Vula Malinga, vocalist for “Oh My Gosh” by Basement Jaxx.
And here are some glamour shots, courtesty of TiBlond!
You can also watch the video for the single, set in a senior home. Maybe it’s the same one they put David Morales in! Ooh, burn!
Never Let Him Touch My Heart
You remember my bitchslap of the album version of “Flashdance” by Deep Dish? Let me elaborate.
I have transcribed the buffoonish, pointless introduction that delays anything we might enjoy about our remake of Shandi’s “He’s A Dream” (off the Flashdance movie soundtrack, hence Deep Dish’s title). This thirty second intro—along with an extra minute and a half of guitar riff the single lacks—bloats “Flashdance” into something really unpleasant. Deep Dish is to blame, but so is whoever said this:
Hey Mac, it’s Rob from Strawberries.
Listen, remember that track you played—you probably don’t—but you played it at, uh, at Helsinki in Canada and I did the air guitar to it.
I finally heard it on your CD man, it’s wicked. I want to know what the name of, uh, the track because—
It’s one of your MP3s and I can’t fast-forward it in my CD player. So it’s stuck and I got to listen to it until the fifty-minute mark.
So anyways if you can, uh, e-mail it to me and actually (unintelligible) buddy
I gave you, uh, a couple of codes (?) yesterday with, um, Danielle so…
This is the track so why don’t you take care?
Feelin’ Hot Hot Hot!
This Salon feature is the second review of the New York Doll documentary that I’ve read that mentions David Johansen, but doesn’t mention Buster Poindexter! (The first was The Onion’s)
So what if the documentary’s really about the bassist? Mention the cheesy 80s lounge act! Mention Johansen’s roles in Scrooged!
And Freejack!
