Blows My Mind Like Munition!

Continental music bloggers The Rocksuckers hook us up with “Bombs”, the new single by veteran electro-twiddlers Faithless!

Maxi Jazz, Faithless’s male vocalist, is no longer “Insomnia”’s lonely mad lover on the heath, tearing off tacks with his teeth. Now he’s a family man, and a war victim!

That’s right, these bombs are literal. Check out these depressing lyrics!

One bomb, the whole block gone.
Can’t find me children and dust covers the sun.
Everywhere is noise, panic, and confusion.
But to some, another fun day in Babylon.
I’m gonna bury my wife and dig up my gun.
My life is done, so now I’ve got to kill someone.

The radio cut for “Bombs” is way too tepid for this apocalyptic rap. Benny Benassi drops in a remix that picks up the pace without losing the eerie, dreamy feel of the radio edit, but it’s the Galaxy 21 Mix that really makes this a loud, powerful, chilling piece of music. Excellent work all around! The Gap Band would be proud.

Human Behaviour

Dear First Page of Google: Hey, do you have any funny search results for the word “Fjorty”? Like, Ikea furniture? Or Scandiavian hoodlums chugging a Fjorty? Or Fjords? That would be funny. Signed Inebriated in Erie.

Dear Erie: Eat this.

Anonymous: Björk is fucking Fjorty?!?

Me: OMFG, i would still eat Björk out and have eccentric genius babies with her.

These guys make a strong argument….

Nude Jack Hustler

On Ice-T album covers, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous.

I think the only remaining SVU cast member we haven’t seen naked is Richard Belzer. Though we’ve seen him as a muppet….

I Was Your Destination!

Check it out! Swiss blogger Mischi-Man turns us on to the new DT8 Project video for “Destination”, featuring Roxanne Wilde!

This is smooth, this is wonderful, and I want to hear all the remixes. Where can I steal them?!

I Know I Can’t Afford To Stop!

Please allow me to second every single word YouTube user kevjohn2006 says about Mos Def’s video for “Ms. Fat Booty”:

Damn, I didn’t even know there was a video for this song. Thanks for never playing videos anymore, MTV! Asswipes.

And BET is steadily playing those weak-ass platinum-mouthed imitation thugs instead of anything resembling real rap.

“I got to have it!”

Fantasy Blondes

A young boy, an outcast, lies on his bed, sullenly staring at a poster on his wall. Suddenly, the poster’s blonde occupant comes to life, making the boy’s fantasy a reality.

What music video is this? It’s not the one you think:

It’s got to be Nelson’s “After The Rain”, right? Wrong! But what other musician is so sensitive? So soulful? So blonde?

It’s “Nothing In This World”, the new single by celebrity vagina Paris Hilton!

Thankfully we never see this fantasy Paris actually step out of the poster; she merely makes a sudden appearance in this boy’s room. And the rest of the video rips off other videos like “Hot For Teacher” instead.

But why does this pre-pubescent boy even have Paris Hilton posters? Simple: upon adolescence, he wants Paris to be the first person he masturbates to. And if he’s gay, she’ll still probably be the first person he masturbates to. Only when it’s too late will we realize that we have all masturbated to Paris Hilton, and its what she wanted all along.

PS: There really needs to be an I-Mockery analysis of this Nelson video. From its Evil Dead II-inspired time travel to its influence on The Matrix’s “red-pill-blue-pill” scene, there’s a wealth of subtext underneath all that twerp-ass music.

Stand Next To This Money!

Everything about Ludacris’s “Money Maker” is funny.

With Justin Timberlake bringing more “sexy” back than expected, the song may never move to Billboard’s number one spot. But Luda, you and Pharrell are number one in our hearts. And on BET.

First of all, Ludacris should not end every line with a rising “UHH???”. It’s instant self-parody. “Money make-UHH???” will do for Luda what “shizzle” did for Snoop: make him a walking punchline.

At this point in the rap game, you might think that we’ve run out of new ways to combine guns, bitches, and money (my favorite Jared Diamond book!). Not so! Ludacris gives us the following: a bitch shooting a money gun!

Also funny: text messages!

Why is this funny? The woman in the video had to stop shaking her money maker to read this message.

There’s a whole lot more; I didn’t even take a picture of the woman in the David Lee Roth pants. Yes, even without his former Fraggle Rock hairstyle, Ludacris has enough absurdity in this video to make it fun viewing for the whole family. Also, feminism is dead.

Bonus Wikipedia Nonsense!

The song is about Ludacris telling a girl to shake her buttocks for money. He states that he has money for her if she shakes her butt.

And I’m A Microphone Junkie!

I like Ferry Corsten! And I really like the raspy rhymes of Guru from Gang Starr!

But I never imagined them as two great tastes that taste great together. Maybe they aren’t. The two recently crossed paths for Corsten’s new single “Junk”. The results are decent, but neither artist is at the top of his game. I imagine the recording sessions went something like this:

Guru: Hey, Ferry! We spent a week in the studio recording my vocals, but you stripped them down to one line. I’d like people to know I did more than just say “Funky, and I’m a microphone junkie,” over and over again.

Corsten: Don’t worry, Guru! That was just the Flash Over Mix. Your vocals are intact on the radio edit. Listen!

Hungry.
So it’s gonna get ugly.
I’m feelin’ like nobody loves me.

…

Player.
You better curb your behavior.
Or I’ma have to dig your ass later.

…

Weirdos.
Not jealous but scared though.
This time I’m well prepared, yo.

Guru: Uh, on second thought, I’m fine with just “funky”…