M: Excuse me, Mr. Internet, but is this Hilary Duff song “Gypsy Woman” a cover of Crystal Wat—?
Mr. Internet: No. Here’s the track as clumsily uploaded to YouTube.
M: My goodness! This sounds like it was composed in Mario Paint!
Lay off the cat sound, Hilary.
Bonus Mario Paint Composition: Sh-Sh-Shake Your Money Make-UHH???
It’s a battle of the Crystal Waters covers!
Two covers of Gypsy Woman enter! One cover leave! The contestants? Yasmin G. versus Chic Flowerz vs. Muriel Fowler! Don’t be confused by that double versus: this battle is one-on-one.
Yasmin G.‘s cover starts with nothing new. Nothing new besides her English-as-a-second-language vocals. But that’s to be expected in cover songs nowadays.
Then, just when I was about to skip the track, all this electronic ephemera came to play. Smooth synths! The modern Vinylshakers-esque buzzing bass sound! And Crystal Waters’s trademark “la da dee la da da” turned into a computer assisted scat! Not bad, Yasmin!
Meanwhile the divorce case of Chic Flowerz vs. Muriel Fowler starts off very house and very fun. But it goes nowhere! It’s never bad, but after the first verse the song becomes invisible. Come back, Muriel!
Thinking this might be the fault of the “Kurd Maverick Boom Bass Remix”, I allowed the Flowerz/Fowler team to submit its “Basto! Remix.” But while Basto! has a harder sound, it doesn’t even keep the original jazz organ. Lame.
WINNER: Yasmin G.!
BONUS SPELLING LESSON: “La da dee la da da” is indeed the correct way to spell Waters’s mutterings. Just look at her umbrella: