To: Antwan Patton
From: André Benjamin
Subject: Big Changes
Here it is. Idlewild hasn’t even opened and already the critics are shrugging their shoulders. Just once, I’d like to see an article about this film that doesn’t include the words “under”, “cherry”, or “moon.”
Now my reputation is cemented as “The Artist who Wants to be Known as Prince”, while Justin Timberlake steals our album title. We have to face it, Antwan: Outkast has become too predictable.
What’s the solution: solo albums? That’s exactly what everyone expects. More movies? They’ll turn us into Elvis and Ann-Margaret.
I have a solution. Something that will throw the world for a loop. Something brand new from Outkast that nobody would expect.
You’re going to cut your dick off.
A sex change, man! Say goodbye to Little Big Boi and say hello to AntWanda Patton! We’ll do it just the way the Wachowskis did. We’ll keep it quiet; if anyone asks we say, “but our work is what’s important.” And our next album flies off the shelves as fans argue whether we sound like The Firm or City High.
You’re thinking, “André, this is your idea; why can’t it be your dick on the block?” I’ll tell you why: predictability. People won’t be all that surprised if I become a woman. There would be some talk, but most would just call it my “Dennis Rodman phase.” You’re the effortless hip-hop genius; if someone as together as you drops a bombshell like that, people will notice.
I’m telling you, your sex change will be the move that saves Outkast. We’ve passed our creative pinnacle as a two-man operation; it’s time to give ourselves another challenge. You by being a woman. Me by putting up with a woman.
And as for all my album interludes where I seduce some anonymous female? We’ll talk.